


Storms To Weather

by RamonaFoREVer



Series: As Paths Cross [1]
Category: Avenged Sevenfold
Genre: F/M, Grieving, Healing, Mentions of Cancer, Past Character Death, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24237742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RamonaFoREVer/pseuds/RamonaFoREVer
Summary: A five part story about surviving, healing and learning to live again.When Lizzie dies, Matt is left lost in the dark and desperately trying to find meaning in life again. Can a face from his past guide him back to the light?
Relationships: M. Shadows/Original Female Character(s)
Series: As Paths Cross [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1749430





	1. Haunted

“Matt?” Heidi called softly as she approached the sofa slowly. “Matt?”  
  
He pulled his eyes away from the Christmas tree and looked up at her, “Huh? Sorry, what?”  
  
“Are you okay?” she asked, unable to mask her concern. She sat gently beside him and put a hand on his knee. “I know it must be…” she paused, looking up at the chandelier as she searched for the right word in her head, “ _difficult_ for you today.”  
  
“Yeah,” he offered lamely in reply. He wasn’t sure what else to say. ‘Difficult’ didn’t even begin to cover it.  
  
The bridge of Heidi’s nose creased a little as she tried her hardest to conjure words up. Any would have done, but they had completely deserted her. Matt turned his gaze back to the twinkling lights again, watching them flicker and flash. It was proving to be just distracting enough of an activity that he’d been partaking in it for the last hour to try and keep his mind away from the dark cloud that was waiting just over the horizon, ready to engulf him at any moment.  
  
“Do you need anything?” Heidi asked, trying not to seem like she was hovering over him.  
  
_I need Lizzie._  
  
“No, nothing.”  
  
“Okay,” she relented, “I’ll call you when dinner is ready. Come join us in the kitchen if you want, though hiding in here is the safest option if you don’t want to be on sprout duty.”  
  
He smiled faintly at her joke, “I’ll stick in here, but thanks.”  
  
“Shout me if you need anything,” the petite blonde reminded him before quietly departing.  
  
He was thankful to her, even if he didn’t seem it. It had been ten long months, but Christmas had crept up and reopened the wound with an eye-watering sting. Every passing holiday the snow globe of emotions was shaken up and a chaotic flurry of anger, resentment and aching sadness would whirl around him once again, but this was the worst he had been so far.  
  
Elizabeth had loved Christmas. She insisted on going full bore as soon as December 1st rolled around. She played Christmas songs until he was sick of them, wore some truly terrible Christmas jumpers and decorated every inch of the house. He would always grumble and complain, but secretly loved her enthusiasm for the festive season. Without her touch this year, the house seemed unbearably gloomy. He couldn’t stand to be there, and so he ended up here at Brian and Heidi’s, where he was casting a dark shadow over their celebrations. He was grateful that they’d offered, and surprised himself when he found himself accepting, but now couldn’t help but worry that he was dampening everyone’s spirits. It just wasn’t the same. Brian and Heidi’s house was decorated beautifully, but the tasteful decorations were a far cry from Elizabeth’s love of gaudy, glitter covered tat. It only made him ache for her even more.  
  
  
  
  
  
He’d actually met her in December. She ran the bakery a few streets away, and he’d called in to pick up a couple of the brownies that his mother loved on his way to visit her. Elizabeth had been looking particularly beautiful that day. She was flushed and flustered as she scrambled to stay on top of the rush of Christmas orders, a few strands of her fiery red hair slipping out of the bun that was piled at the back of her head. He’d always admired her beauty from a far, glancing in surreptitiously any time he’d passed her little shop, but very rarely did he have the excuse to call in. When he did, he couldn’t ever bring himself to utter more than his order, and then he’d put his head down and swiftly exit the shop, the little cardboard box of treats held tightly to his chest. This day, though, something was different. Elizabeth always used to say that it was Christmas spirit that had brought them together, which had always made him roll his eyes and groan. Whatever it was that had possessed him to speak up that day, it had been the spark that brought them together.  
  
“Hey bro,” Brian called from the kitchen, interrupting his memories, “come get some food! There’s a shedload. Heidi reckons you’ve lost weight and she’s trying to beef you up again- ow!” There was a grumble, and then a whispered protest, “ _Well, you did say that!_ ”  
  
He wanted to join in with the laughter coming from the kitchen, but hearing them banter back and forth seemed to only twist the knife of being alone. They had each other, and he had no one. He pulled himself up from the sofa wearily, reluctance weighing heavily on his shoulders. Perhaps staying with Brian and his wife and their happy marriage wasn’t such a good idea after all. What was the alternative though? A house where the emptiness loomed so heavily that it crept into his sleep. He often had nightmares of nothingness, of being alone forever; or was forced to relive the worst moment of his life, dragging out forever until he woke, gasping for breath and cowering away from his own mind and memories.  
  
“Matt!” Brian called out again.  
  
Heavy footsteps fell along the corridor he made to retrieve his friend. Matt ambled towards the hall, trying to look as though he was making an effort. Brian appeared in the doorway, a goofy grin plastered to his face.  
  
“I’m coming,” Matt assured him, plodding across the room.  
  
“Heidi has outdone herself,” he remarked, hoping to lift the hazel-eyed man’s spirits. “And she’s even _made_ dessert this year instead of buying it from the store, how about that?”  
  
“Nice,” Matt smiled back, trying to muster up some enthusiasm. Heidi’s cooking really was delicious, but even her butter-laden, fluffy roast potatoes and perfectly seasoned turkey couldn’t stir up any hunger in him. All he wanted was the one thing he’d never have again. _Elizabeth._  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Brian and Heidi had been childhood sweethearts. They’d met in school and swept themselves up into a whirlwind romance. Heidi was perfect for Brian. They were night and day, yin and yang, black and white; complete opposites, but neither could exist without the other. They had a connection that most people could only have dreamed of. Matt had always loved one of his best friends had found his soulmate, but now it hurt to watch them complement each other so perfectly.  
  
“We’re really glad you came to stay with us, Matt,” Heidi smiled, loading his plate up with slices of turkey that he didn’t really want. “It’s nice to all be together.”  
  
Matt squirmed a little. _Together._ There was nothing ‘together’ about it for him. She set the plate down in front of him and began on another for Brian.  
  
“You want a beer?” Brian asked, disappearing into the gigantic fridge in search of them.  
  
Matt shook his head, “No thanks.”  
  
“Sure?” Brian pressed, holding a bottle out to him. “It’s your favourite.”  
  
His friend weighed it up for a moment in his head before relenting, “Okay, hand it over.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Despite his initial reluctance of joining his friends for dinner, Matt picked at the food on his plate and even managed a few bites. Once the plates were cleared and Brian and Heidi had forced their way through as much baked Alaska as they could possibly manage, they all retired to the lounge where Matt could finally revert to his previous distraction of staring at the Christmas tree. His barely-touched beer had followed him from the kitchen to where it rested on his lap, clutched wearily between his two hands. A Christmas movie that no one was paying attention to played quietly in the background as Brian and Heidi spoke softly between themselves. Matt hadn’t really been listening until the subject turned to something he deemed mildly interesting.  
  
“Zacky said his sister came home for Christmas. She’s coming to the party tomorrow,” Heidi mentioned as she took a sip of her wine. “Apparently she’s had some kind of falling out with their father.”  
  
“Really? He never said anything to me,” Brian replied with interest. “When did you hear this?”  
  
She reached for a chocolate, despite being stuffed from dinner, “Only yesterday. Lily called to double check the time and told me. Zach was with her and Johnny the night before when he got the call. Maria or something, her name is.”  
  
“ _Mariana,_ ” Brian corrected. “When their parents split, she went with their father to Florida. That was when she was thirteen and we were fifteen, just before you and I started dating. They’d always been quite close so Zach was devastated, but she wanted to go for whatever reason.” He paused, scratching his stubble as he thought. “Fuck, that was something like eight years ago now.”  
  
“More like ten,” Heidi snickered, giving him a nudge. “It’s a good thing you’re pretty because you’re definitely not smart.”  
  
“Shut up,” he teased, balling up a candy wrapper and launching it at her.  
  
Their conversation returned to subjects that Matt found less than fascinating, so he returned to his Christmas tree watch. He found his eyes drifting downwards to the colourful paper below. They’d not yet opened any presents, Matt presumed because of his presence. He felt a pang of guilt as his eyes roamed over the various boxes; Heidi’s purchases all dressed up gaily with ribbons and bows, and Brian’s wrapped haphazardly with an extra side of sticky tape.  
  
“You guys can go ahead and open those if you want,” he mumbled, gesturing at the stacks beneath the tree. “Don’t let me hold you back.”  
  
“You going to join us?” Brian asked, setting his beer down on the coffee table. “No pressure.”  
  
“Me?” Matt asked, looking around as though the question might have been directed at someone else. “I don’t have shit to open, dude.”  
  
“Of course you do,” Brian laughed. “You think no one bought anything for you?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
Heidi smiled and placed a hand on his arm. “We rounded everyone up and brought all your presents here so you’d have something to open with us,” she explained, quickly adding, “only if you want to, of course.”  
  
Matt hesitated as they looked on at him, waiting for his answer. It didn’t feel right to open presents without Elizabeth. She’d always been so excited, feverishly ripping at the paper as though she was setting a world record for speed unwrapping and then marvelling in wonder at her newest possession, even if it was simply a pair of socks. “I’m not sure,” he confessed slowly, trying to lean away from the memory of her excited jabbering. “I don’t really know how to do this anymore.”  
  
“We get it, man,” Brian nodded. “Well, we don’t get it, but we can understand that this year is going to be weird for you. Don’t rush it if you’re not ready. We can wait as well if you’re not up for it.”  
  
“No,” Matt protested quickly, swatting the idea away. “You guys go ahead. It will be nice to have the distraction.”  
  
“Are you sure?” Heidi asked, frowning slightly. “We really don’t mind waiting.”  
  
Matt shook his head forcefully, “No way. I’m serious.” He gave a little laugh and waved Brian on, “Go, dude. Get your shit and have a good time. I just don’t think I’m ready to join in yet.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Brian approached the tree gingerly, clearly unsure about proceeding, but after a little more encouragement from his friend, he began dishing presents out to Heidi with vigour.  
  
“This one’s yours… and this one… oh, and this one,” he added, checking through the tags unnecessarily. It was pretty clear to Matt whose gifts were whose thanks to Brian’s poor wrapping, but it was sweet that he pretended he didn’t know. The act set off another sweeping wave of heartache, knowing that he would have done similar with Elizabeth had she been here.  
  
“Lizzie loved opening presents,” he suddenly volunteered, startling the lovebirds with his abrupt contribution. “And she loved watching people open presents, especially presents from her, because she had that psychic ability to get you exactly what you wanted.”  
  
Brian recovered quickly from his shock and laughed. “Amen to that. Remember that year when one of the presents she got me was that personalised guitar pick with a close up of Heidi’s face on it? Fucking hilarious.”  
  
“And she always got me the best kitchen stuff,” Heidi interjected. “I almost asked her to marry me when she gave me that Kitchenaid.”  
  
“Which I specifically told her not to get because you already have enough baking shit that you don’t use,” Brian groaned. “You never even made your own cakes because you always got Lizzie to make them for you anyway.”  
  
“Lizzie was a _professional_ , Brian,” Heidi retorted. “I never saw you complaining when I got her to make your birthday cakes.”  
  
“You’re going to have to do it yourself this year, sucker,” Brian teased before he could stop himself. He clapped a hand over his mouth immediately, instant regret hanging on every one of his features. His eyes darted over to his friend, “Oh shit. Matt, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”  
  
Matt shrugged despondently, “Doesn’t matter. It’s true.”  
  
“Christ, I feel like such a dick. I swear I didn’t-”  
  
“Bri,” Matt interrupted quickly, “it’s fine. Seriously.”  
  
Brian gave him a deeply apologetic look before turning back to the present in his lap, desperate to try and change the subject and ease the awkwardness.  
  
Matt finally took a deep swig of his beer and tried to drown out the swirling snowstorm of grief inside.  
  
_It wasn’t fine. Things would never be fine again._


	2. Hurt

_A nurse sat on one side of Elizabeth, Matt on the other. He clutched at her hand, whispering promises of never letting it go. Her breath came in judders, a hint of a rattle at the base of her throat.  
  
“I’m here,” he reassured her. “I’m here with you, Lizzie. I’ll be here until the end.”  
  
He wasn’t sure if she could even hear him. The room was silent, save for her quiet gasps. He hated the moment, yet cherished it at the same time. He knew what was coming and cowered from it, and yet he wanted her suffering to end. Every second that passed, he found himself torn between praying for another second with her and praying for that second to be her last.  
  
All too soon, she let out a long breath, completely emptying her lungs. He waited for her to breathe in again, every moment feeling like an eternity, but her face only relaxed, and the worst silence he’d ever heard and felt clouded around him.  
  
“Lizzie?” he asked softly, squeezing her hand. “Elizabeth?”  
But she stayed motionless, no little gasp to fill her lungs came.  
  
“She’s gone,” the nurse said softly. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“No,” he uttered, almost silently. He repeated it over and over, growing louder with each reiteration, as though it might bring her back to him. Eventually it all ran into one hollow, forlorn howl. _Just one more breath. One more moment, please. _“I’m not ready, Lizzie. Don’t leave me. You can’t go yet, please.” He gripped her hand tightly, terrified that if he let her go, he’d lose her forever.  
  
“Lizzie, please. Lizzie!”  
  
“I’ve got you,” the nurse whispered, wrapping her arms around him.  
  
_“No, I can’t… I can’t… Lizzie!”  
  
“I’ve got you, bro,” the nurse’s voice continued, growing deeper. “Matt, wake up. It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream. I’m here.”  
  
Matt’s eyes snapped open. He blinked furiously as he caught his breath, trying to take in his surroundings. “Where’s Lizzie gone?”  
  
“It’s Brian, dude. You’re in my guest room,” came the voice from beside him. “It was just a nightmare. You were shouting in your sleep.”  
  
Matt tried to slow his breathing as he made sense of the darkened room. He became aware that he was covered in a layer of cool sweat that prickled at his skin. “Brian,” he managed, looking up at his friend in bewilderment.  
  
“Yeah, I’m here, bro,” his friend answered, loosening his arms from around Matt. “Are you okay?”  
  
Matt nodded, screwing his face up as the dream faded into the darkness. The nod slowed, gradually becoming a shake. He felt the acid of grief bite at the corner of his eyes and he choked out a sob. “I can’t do it,” he stuttered out, running his shaking hands through his hair. “I can’t.”  
  
Brian didn’t reply, he simply tightened his arms again, knowing that no words he could say in this moment would help.  
  
“What do I do, Brian?” Matt asked desperately, the tears rolling thick and fast. “What do I do?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Brian admitted, trawling his mind for anything that would help. “You just have to survive. Get through each day any way you can, and we’ll all be by your side to carry you when you need it.”  
  
Matt dissolved into huge wracking sobs, his whole body heaving, and Brian held him tightly, vowing to stay with him until he could sleep again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
She was barely recognisable towards the end. Her skin was greying, her cheeks hollow; she’d lost a lot of weight in the last month. ‘Dying isn’t glamourous, Matt,’ she used to say on her good days, when she felt positive enough to make jokes. In her final days, she was too weak to really say anything, though she frequently called out for him in a way that broke his heart.  
  
She’d been unwaveringly positive until the final month, and then her hope had shattered, the fragments lying beneath their feet, crushed a little more by every doctor that entered the room. The fear slipped into her mind, and she became terrified of what was to come. She’d always loved life, she wasn’t ready to give it up, to give Matt up. She’d wanted a wedding, children, to bake to her heart’s content until she was too old and frail to turn the oven on. All of this was being stolen away from her, and she was going… she didn’t know where. No one knew. No one could tell her if she was going to some softly lit, flowery afterlife, or if she’d fall into to a permanent, dreamless sleep.  
  
She’d deteriorated quickly when the time came. She’d seemed so normal until then, besides the hospital visits and her sickness. In the last weeks she’d not had much energy, and in the last days she’d had almost none, sleeping the last of her life away.  
Matt never left her, he only let go of her hand when he absolutely had to. He wanted to spend every last moment they had together by her side, and he did.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“How are you feeling today?” Heidi asked sympathetically as she buttered some toast.  
  
Matt sat at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee. “I’m alright,” he answered gruffly.  
  
“Brian told me you had a bad night.”  
  
“Yeah,” he muttered, trying to block out the memories that were dancing freshly around his mind.  
  
Heidi set a plate of toast in front of him. “Try a little something to eat,” she urged, pushing it towards him. After flitting around the kitchen to dig out a collection of jams and spreads, none of which Matt really wanted, she sat opposite, concern lining her face.  
“You know you can talk to us if you need to, right?”  
  
He sighed heavily, “I know. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything, I’m just trying to focus on getting through one minute at a time. I don’t want to be in my own head right now.”  
  
“I get that,” she nodded, taking a bit of her own toast which she’d spread liberally with jam. She chewed thoughtfully, before speaking again. “Maybe the party tonight will provide a distraction?”  
  
Matt squirmed a little. He didn’t really want to be around people right now. He cast her an apologetic glance, “I’m not sure I feel up to the party. I might just hide out in my room, if that’s okay?”  
  
“Of course, you do whatever you need to,” Heidi replied hurriedly, reaching across to hold his hand. “Perhaps we shouldn’t have had the party this year. It’s a bit insensitive in hindsight. I’m sorry, we could always cancel it?”  
  
“Jesus, Heidi, no,” Matt scolded, managing a small laugh. “Don’t you dare cancel it on my behalf. I don’t want the world to stop for me - life is different enough already. I need that normality, I just don’t think I’m quite in the right place to join in yet.”  
  
“Okay,” she nodded slowly, “well, just say the word if you need to and I will call it off.”  
  
“That really won’t be necessary,” Matt insisted, finally picking up his toast and taking a small bite. His willingness to eat seemed to allay her worries a little, and she gave him a small smile as she went back to her own breakfast.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The day passed in a flurry of party preparations. Heidi spent most of the day in the kitchen, slaving over canapés while Brian ‘folded the napkins’, which he took to mean literally folding them in half lazily while watching the game on TV. Matt half watched him with amusement, knowing that as soon as Heidi saw Brian’s efforts, she’d hit the roof and redo them all herself while cursing.  
  
As the evening rolled around and all the Christmas lights warmed the house with their glow, Matt began anxiously listening out for the doorbell. He felt guilty for not attending the party, especially when he’d be in the same building, but he just couldn’t face seeing everyone. It wasn’t just the idea of watching happy couples, though that killed him a little in itself, it was more the pitying looks he knew he’d get. He didn’t feel like putting a face on and pretending to be happy for them.  
  
The Haner’s Christmas party had become an annual Boxing Day ritual, one that up until this year, he’d joined in with merrily, but then he’d always had Elizabeth on his arm in the previous years. She’d loved the parties, always forcing Matt to wear some hideous Christmas themed garb and insisting that he dance with her to her favourite songs. She always demanded a kiss under the mistletoe to end the night.  
The mistletoe hadn’t been hung up this year, perhaps on purpose…  
  
The doorbell rang out, signalling the arrival of the first guests. Giving Brian a quick nod, Matt made for the stairs and headed to the guest room that he’d settled in. He’d stashed a few beers under the bed, and planned on getting drunk by himself with some shitty TV, and then unashamedly crying himself to sleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The festivities were in full swing downstairs when the doorbell pealed again.  
  
“That’ll be Zacky and his sister,” Brian predicted, pointing towards the door.  
  
“He isn’t usually this late to parties,” Heidi remarked, looking at her watch.  
  
Brian chuckled knowingly, “Yeah, but they had to pick up Jimmy.”  
  
“Ah,” Heidi grinned, “That explains that. The Reverend Tholomew Plague, eternally late.”  
  
She disappeared to answer the door, returning a few minutes later with a jovial following. She offered drinks to the new guests, skipping over Jimmy who was already drinking champagne from the bottle.  
  
Brian jumped up at the arrival of Zach, curiously taking in the young woman beside him. He would never have recognised her, except that she had the undeniably trademark emerald eyes of the Baker family. Long, jet black hair cascaded down her back in carefully styled waves, and her slim, boyish figure was adorned in a plum coloured dress.  
  
“Mariana,” he grinned, pulling her into a hug. “It’s been far too long! _Ten years_ , isn’t it?” He threw Heidi a cheeky look as she playfully raised an eyebrow at him.  
  
The young woman gave him a dazzling smile, “Yes, it is! Can you believe that? I’m so excited to be back in Cali, to get away from the humidity if nothing else!”  
  
“How long are you here for?” Johnny asked, taking a swig of his beer.  
  
“Actually,” she smiled, “I’m not going back. Huntington Beach was calling me home.”  
  
“Damn right it was,” Zacky nodded. “It’s about time you came home, sis.”  
  
They all raised their glasses (or champagne bottle, in Jimmy’s case) and toasted her return, before falling back into their separate conversations. Heidi stole Mariana away, pulling her easily into the chatter of the women to get to know her. Mariana had moved to Florida well before Johnny had met Lily, and before Brian and Heidi had become an item. She was essentially a stranger, but they welcomed her into their circle as though she’d always been there. That was what they were all about - treating each other as family.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Wine glass still in hand, Mariana danced on her tiptoes down the hallway to the toilet. _Damn wine._ Typically, it was already in use, the door locked tightly. She rolled her eyes, and after a moment of wiggling impatiently on the spot, decided she could wait no longer and set off in search of another. Upstairs, she assessed her choice of doors on the landing, before deciding to just start checking the rooms. She had no time to spare. _Nope, not that room. No, that’s a music room. Maybe this one?_  
  
Matt jumped as the door burst open. A raven haired girl tumbled in with a little squeak, looking around the dark room nervously until her eyes fell upon him. He knew he must have looked a state, curled up on the bed, messy haired with red rimmed eyes.  
  
“Oh my gosh,” she gasped, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise anyone was up here.”  
  
“That’s okay,” he stuttered through the haze of the 3 beers he’d sunk, “Were you looking for something?”  
  
“A toilet?” she asked hopefully, not seeming to pay any attention to his appearance.  
  
Matt gestured to the en suite, “Knock yourself out.”  
  
She gave him a grateful smile as she wobbled across the room, placing her wine glass on the chest of drawers, “Thank you!”  
  
He watched her, vaguely amused by her teetering on her heels - she was obviously half cut. He dried his eyes as she closed the door and grabbed the remote to lower the volume on the TV. He’d been watching Elizabeth’s favourite Christmas film (The Muppets Christmas Carol), which has proved so far to be a torturous exercise. He wasn’t sure why he was watching it - he’d cried from the first scene - and yet here he was, halfway through and still a teary-eyed mess.  
  
The toilet flushed, and she reappeared, giving her damp hands a little shake. “Thank you so much,” she gushed, grabbing her glass, “I thought I was going to burst.”  
  
“No problem,” he nodded, returning a weak smile as she made her way back across the room to rejoin the party.  
  
At the last moment, she turned back to him. “Hey,” she exclaimed, moving closer to him, “you’re Matt, right? I knew someone was missing from the party.”  
  
“Uh…”  
  
“I’m Mariana, Zacky’s younger sister?” she offered, waiting for the penny to drop.  
  
Matt studied her appearance as she drew nearer. The dark hair, the bright green eyes, the slightly pouted lips; he could have kicked himself for not recognising her. “Sorry, I can’t believe I didn’t notice it was you,” he apologised, shaking his head in disbelief. “They told me you were coming home.”  
  
“How come you’re up here and not with the party?” she asked, looking him over and finally taking in his tearstained face. “Oh. Are you okay?”  
  
“Yeah,” he brushed the question off quickly. “I’m fine.”  
  
“You don’t look fine,” she argued, sitting beside him on the bed. Her sudden interest in him was completely uninvited, and yet he didn’t seem to mind. It was successfully drawing him away from the pain of Kermit’s cheerful singing.  
  
“When did you get back?” he asked, changing the subject.  
  
“Christmas eve,” she answered, kicking off her heels and crossing her legs, getting comfortable. “I can’t believe how much everyone has changed, and how much has happened. Like Brian married? Unbelievable. Heidi is wonderful, and they are so perfect together, but honestly? I thought he was going to grow up to be a man whore. I’m shocked.”  
  
Matt felt the corner of his lips twitch, “Yeah, he surprised us all there.”  
  
Mariana grinned over at him, her eyes crinkled with glee. There was something different about the way she looked at him. Her smile seemed so genuine, her casual demeanour so natural. He couldn’t put his finger on why it felt so relieving to him, and then he realised. _She didn’t know about Elizabeth_. She looked at him without pity, she spoke without avoiding the subject of happy marriages. She was just… _normal._  
  
“So, why don’t you come down and join the party? You sick or something?” she pressed, peering at him. “Is it contagious?”  
  
“I’m not sick,” he reassured her, fearing she might recoil away from him like everyone else did, “just tired."  
  
“Tired?” she scoffed, nudging him. “That’s no excuse not to join everyone. Come on, you can be my plus one.”  
  
He raised an eyebrow, “I’m already invited.”  
  
“So, get down there,” she insisted, pulling gently on his arm. “We need to catch up.”  
  
Matt shrugged out of her grasp, “I really don’t want to.”  
  
The small lift in his mood came crashing back down. It had been a breath of fresh air to see someone who didn’t know about Elizabeth, but his reluctance to join the party reignited the notion that he was now abnormal. His eyes brimmed with tears once again, and he turned away from her hurriedly. He didn’t fit in down there anymore.  
  
Mariana was taken aback by his sudden display of emotion. “I’m sorry,” she rushed anxiously, “I didn’t mean to upset you. God, I always put my foot in my mouth.”  
  
“It’s not you,” Matt replied, his voice crackling. “I’m just,” he paused, “I’m not in a party mood.”  
  
She winced, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you or anything. I should have realised you didn’t want to join by the fact that you’re up here already.”  
  
“It’s fine,” he shook his head, “you didn’t know.”  
  
Mariana bit her lip, unfolding her legs, “I’ll go. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”  
  
Matt grabbed her wrist before she could stand, “No.” She looked back at him questioningly, as he tripped over his words, “Don’t go. It’s kind of nice not to be alone.” They tumbled from his mouth before he could stop them. _Fuck._ It sounded weird, _he_ sounded weird. “I mean, you can go, I just…” he sighed frustratedly, “I just… I don’t know.”  
  
She looked him over, her eyes clinging to the damp tracks on his cheeks in the soft light from the television. “I can stay,” she shrugged. “You look like you could use the company.” She pulled her feet back up onto the bed and settled herself beside him. “So,” she began, “what have I missed? Fill me in.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
By the time the film had ended, they’d covered the past ten years of the band and of almost everyone’s life. Everyone except Matt’s. The talk had flowed easily up until this moment, and now he found himself lost for words.  
  
“And what about you?” Mariana asked, finally, taking a sip from her glass. She’d long since drained the wine, and Matt had produced another bottle of beer from under the bed to top it up. “What have you been doing?”  
  
 _Mourning._  
  
“Not much,” Matt lied with a shrug, nursing the half full bottle in his hands. “I’ve been pretty wrapped up in Avenged.”  
  
“And?” the girl beside him pressed. “You must have had something else to fill your time?” Matt shrugged, so she continued on, “Oh, come on. You’ve told me the nitty gritty of everyone else’s life, you even told me about Johnny’s pet tarantula, but when it comes to you, you’ve just been singing?”  
  
“And writing songs,” he insisted, “though not so much lately.”  
  
“ _And?_ ” Mariana pushed, raising her eyebrows insistently. “No pets? No girlfriends? No tequila themed mishaps?”  
  
Matt stiffened, then finally relented. “Yeah, I guess. I had a girlfriend for a bit, but not anymore.”  
  
“Oh,” she replied, his body language making her pull back on the third degree a little. “Sorry. Girlfriends are shitty anyway,” she shrugged, quickly adding, “You’re probably better off without her.”  
  
“I’m really not,” Matt protested, a harsh laugh escaping his throat. “If I still had her, I wouldn’t be sat up here sniffing at some stupid Christmas film while everyone else has a good time downstairs.”  
  
“Why don’t you try calling her?” Mariana coaxed, her green eyes jaded with sadness. “Things can’t be that bad you can’t fix them, right?”  
  
Matt looked away from her. He was about to drop the bomb that would change everything. Now her mouth would turn down at the corners with sympathy, and her eyelids would wear the weight of pity when she looked at him. He took a deep breath, accepting his fate, “I can’t, unless you have a line to the afterlife?”  
  
She caught on immediately, physically shrinking on the spot in embarrassment. “Oh my god, I’m sorry,” she blurted, “I didn’t know. No one told me. Now I’ve really put my foot in it.”  
  
“No, you haven’t,” Matt sighed. “You couldn’t have known.”  
  
“And that’s why you’re up here by yourself?” she asked gently, her green eyes searching him for answers.  
  
He nodded, “I’m not much of a people person now.”  
  
“I can imagine,” she replied softly. “How long has it been?”  
  
“Ten months.”  
  
Her eyes widened for a second in realisation, “So it’s your first Christmas without her?”  
  
He swallowed and nodded, his mouth twisting as he heard the words out loud.  
  
“Fuck,” she mumbled, hesitantly putting an arm around him. When he didn’t recoil from the physical contact, she asked, “What was her name?”  
  
“Elizabeth,” he smiled, “but we all called her Lizzie.”  
  
“Lizzie,” Mariana smiled, turning the name over with her tongue. “That’s pretty. Where did you meet?”  
  
Matt was taken aback by her eagerness to know more, but he relaxed into it quickly. It was so nice to talk about Lizzie, especially when the person listening wasn’t sitting awkwardly and wishing to be anywhere else in the world. Talking to Mariana was a breath of fresh air.  
  
And so Matt found himself telling her everything about Lizzie. How they met, her favourite songs, the ridiculous collection of shoes she owned and her passion for baking, finally coming around to her love of Christmas. He’d laughed as he’d talked about her wild dance moves, cried as he’d told her about their first date, and lamented over how much he missed her. Mariana had listened to every word without even a flicker of discomfort or embarrassment.  
  
When it had come to Lizzie’s illness, Matt had decided to gracefully sidestep the topic, and Mariana hadn’t probed. Instead she smiled warmly at him.  
  
“She sounds wonderful,” she concurred, as Matt came to an embarrassed standstill, realising that he’d been talking about Lizzie for a good hour.  
  
“She is,” he nodded, before grimacing. “I mean, she _was._ ”  
  
Mariana squeezed his hand, “She _is_. Why don’t we toast her?”  
  
“Toast her?” Matt repeated, looking at the glass in his hand oddly. “I’ve never… it’s never felt right…”  
  
“We’ve got drinks, and you’ve got good memories,” the dark haired beauty smiled, “why not just try it?”  
  
Matt hesitated for a moment, watching the little bubbles dance their way up to the top of his drink where they popped hastily into little explosions of fizz. “Okay,” he agreed slowly, “I’ll try it.”  
  
She gave him a dazzling smile and raised her glass. He followed her movement, lifting his own glass to the heavens that he had hoped were real so badly for Lizzie’s sake.  
  
“To Lizzie,” Mariana toasted softly.  
  
Matt swallowed, feeling the tiniest weight lift from his shoulders as he opened his mouth and whispered, “ _To Lizzie._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find more of my work at www.A7Xfanfic.com under the name RamonaFoREVer


	3. Hiding

The cool light of a grey morning crept in through the window, rousing Matt from his slumber. He rubbed his eyes as the fog of sleep gradually lifted. He’d tossed and turned a lot last night. New Year’s Eve, another first without Lizzie. He hauled himself upright, assessing the damage from the previous night. The blanket he’d huddled into was all twisted from his restlessness, and Chinese takeout cartons littered the floor. He put his head in his hands, quietly groaning to himself. He’d not touched a drop of alcohol last night, in fact he’d not even seen the new year in. He’d left some ghastly shopping channel running on the TV, ordered takeout that he’d managed maybe three mouthfuls of and curled up on the sofa at 9pm and cried himself to sleep. _What a pathetic existence_ , he thought, looking around miserably. And what did he have to show for it? He’d probably woken up feeling worse than the majority of the nation that had partied the night away in celebration.  
  
He’d left the Haner’s household the day after the party. After their oddly private moment of toasting Lizzie in the darkened bedroom, Mariana had somehow convinced him to join the party downstairs. He’d been welcomed with open arms by his entire family. Perhaps it was the jovial mood or maybe the alcohol consumption prior to his arrival, but no one had looked on at him with sadness in their eyes. They’d been happy to see him. The whole experience had given him a false sense of confidence, and the next day he’d returned home, determined to try and live as an independent adult once again.  
  
Of course, things are never as simple as they seem, and he’d inevitably ended up marooned on his sofa as he had been for the past 10 months, not daring to go back upstairs to his bedroom. He’d dipped in and out to get clothes since she’d gone, but he’d avoided looking at Lizzie’s clutter and there was no way he’d even consider sleeping in their bed alone. The emptiness of her side was overwhelming to even think about, let alone lay next to, and so he’d done the natural thing and hidden from the issue.  
With a great deal of effort, he pushed himself up from the sofa and traipsed over to the French doors. They swung open eagerly, letting the fresh, chilly ocean air pour in. He’d not realised how musty the room had felt, but the cool, salty scent seemed to blossom within his lungs, a gentle reminder that he should probably open the windows more often. He turned back to survey the scene. The slovenly mess of unadulterated grief turned his stomach a little. How had he become this? Was he going to live like this forever? Was he going to hurt this badly forever? Not for the first time, he wished he’d gone with her.  
  
“Ten months I’ve lived without you, Liz,” he said out loud, as if she were present and listening. Was it _living_ though? It just felt like existence to him, and not an easy one. He was only alive to be alone at this point, what was even the point anymore?  
  
  
  
 _”Promise me you’ll find happiness,” she whispered, sipping at her coffee. “Don’t stop living just because I have to.”  
  
“Jesus, Lizzie,” he groaned, pressing his palm into his forehead. “I can’t have this conversation in a Starbucks’ car park.”  
  
“It’s as good a time as any,” she shrugged, setting her cup down in the holder. She pulled at her cardigan, wrapping it around her body tightly. She was always cold these days. “What’s wrong with now?”  
  
Matt sighed, finally admitting, “It’s not now, it’s talking about this at all.”  
  
“We have to face up to it, Matt,” Lizzie replied quietly, “I’ll be gone soon, and I want you to be alive even when I’m not.”  
  
He fidgeted with his coffee stirrer, avoiding her gaze which he could feel boring into the side of his face. “I won’t survive without you, Liz.”  
  
“Of course you will,” she scolded, “Death isn’t contagious.”  
  
“You know what I mean,” he mumbled. “You’ll go, and my heart will break. That’s all there is to it.”  
  
Lizzie softened, picking up her coffee and wrapping her bony fingers around the warm cup. “A broken heart won’t kill you,” she replied, giving him a sad smile, “but I know it will be hell on earth for you. Even though I’m scared out of my wits about having to go, I sometimes think it’s worse for you than it is for me.” She paused before giving him a despondent look. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“You can’t apologise for this,” Matt shook his head firmly. “It’s not like it’s your fault.”  
  
The once red-haired woman adjusted her head scarf a little and inspected her appearance in the visor mirror. Sallow skin and dark circles stared back at her. “At least you won’t have to clean up my vomit anymore,” she joked half-heartedly, trying to lift his spirits.  
  
It didn’t work at all, in fact it had quite the opposite effect. Matt felt his eyes beginning to leak. He looked up from his hands at her, “I would do it every day if it meant I could spend the rest of my life with you.”  
  
She let out a heavy sigh, blinking her own tears away. She’d been so composed until now, but as she grew weaker, more tired, it began to sink in. She was dying. Soon enough she’d be incapable of normal activities like getting coffee, not that even that was enjoyable anymore – the chemo made everything taste like shit – but at least it was normal. Up until now, Lizzie could pretend that there wasn’t much wrong with her, but Death was starting to creep up on her, and she could feel him breathing down her neck.  
  
She looked over at the tearful man in the driver’s seat. Her one and only, the love of her life, already broken by her impending departure. She hated that he had to go through this with her. She’d tried to get him to leave when she’d first been diagnosed as terminal to spare him, but he’d been a steadfast fixture since she’d first met him and he wasn’t going anywhere. The sight of him now crushed her heart, the thought of leaving him sent her into a dizzying panic.  
  
“I’m scared,” she breathed, her voice wobbling. She set her coffee down as the feeling of dread washed over her. “I don’t want to go, Matt. I don’t want to go.”  
  
He wasted no time in reaching out and pulling her slight form into his strong arms. They both forgot where they were as she leaned into his chest and cried her eyes out._  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Matt pulled himself from the car lot and back into the present. Her words echoed around his mind. _Don’t stop living just because I have to._ He looked around the room at the physical manifestation of his grief. Christmas was done, New Year’s was nearly over. He’d tumbled over the latest emotional hurdle, but he was over it nonetheless. Lizzie would have gone apeshit over this all this mess.  
  
With the scolding he would have had if she was still there ringing in his ears anyway, he gathered up the blankets that were strewn around and folded them neatly. Empty beer cans were next on the agenda, all crushed and tossed into the garbage can. He inhaled deeply; the whole house smelled musty. He threw open a few more windows, letting the fresh air sweep into the stale rooms.  
  
Satisfied that Lizzie would have been at least slightly proud with his efforts he set about his final task, but as he gathered up the various takeout cartons, he heaved a sigh. His motivation was already beginning to leave him. He tossed them into the trash wearily. Lizzie wasn’t here anyway, why was he even bothering? He didn’t care if he lived in filth for the rest of his natural life if he couldn’t be with her. This was all for nothing.  
  
The doorbell rang out, cutting through the silence. Grateful for the distraction, Matt plodded down the doorway, wondering who could possibly be calling so early on New Year’s Day. The bell rang out again as he reached the door, and he pulled it open to find Mariana with her finger still raised.  
  
“Oh,” she gasped, pulling her hand away quickly. She looked him over, taking in his dishevelled appearance. “You look like I feel! Did I wake you?”  
  
“No,” he muttered, a flush of embarrassment washing over him as he tried to flatten down his hair with his fingers. “No, it’s fine. I’m kind of surprised to see you, though. Is something wrong?”  
  
“No, no,” she answered hurriedly, “nothing’s wrong.” She gestured to the large array of tubs on the floor by her feet that he’d not yet noticed. “Mom hasn’t changed,” she grinned knowingly. “She boxed up all the left over dinner for you, said you’re looking skinny lately.”  
  
He laughed as she bent down to pick them up. As she straightened herself, she gave him a small smile. “How are you feeling today? Brian told Zach that you left the day after the party to come back here and of course, Zach told me.” She cast her eyes downwards awkwardly, “I thought maybe I’d upset you.”  
  
“No,” he protested, “not at all. In fact, kind of the opposite.” He tried to muster up a smile to reassure her, but couldn’t. “After our talk, I felt brave enough to come home, so I should be thanking you really.”  
  
She peered around his shoulder at the layer of dust that carpeted everything. “How long have you lived here?”  
  
“I bought it with Lizzie four years ago.”  
  
“It’s a beautiful house,” she remarked, looking up at the stonework. After a quick appraisal of the outside of his house, she shook one of the tubs at him. “You need help bringing this stuff in?”  
  
He stiffened a little at the idea. _Someone else in his house?_ The idea didn’t sit too well with him. He’d let people in as little as possible, worried that their presence would somehow taint the memories that existed there. Right now, he could still hear Lizzie’s voice echoing throughout the house as she called him down to taste test a new recipe, or her sweet, soft humming as she dusted her beloved ornaments. Every time someone else came in, he feared they would somehow erase her lingering presence with their own, like scribbling over a priceless artwork. At the same time, he was so lonely. He ached for the company of friends, for distraction from the emptiness of his house. It was a constant tug of war in his overwhelmed mind, the emotional rope beginning to fray with the stress.  
  
“I’m okay,” he said slowly, making the decision for solitude as he accepted the tall collection of boxes from her hands. He turned away towards the kitchen and instantly the teetering tower wobbled precariously, the boxes at the top threatening to tumble from his arms.  
  
Mariana swept in around his side and reached up her arms, swiftly steadying them. “Let me help, Matt,” she insisted, plucking a few boxes from the assortment. “I swear I won’t outstay my welcome. It took me two trips to get them from the car to the door. We can get it done in one go together.”  
  
Matt hesitated before finally relenting. “Okay,” he agreed, gesturing down the hallway with a nod of his head. “Kitchen’s that way.”  
  
  
  
  
The pair set the boxes down on the table. Mariana looked around at the expansive kitchen. It was beautiful, though the layer of dust had extended its way through from the hallway. Dishes were piled in the sink and a box of cereal lay on its side on the counter, seemingly abandoned. She couldn’t blame him. It was clear that he had a hard enough time just being here in this house, let alone the finding the energy to give it the wipe over it needed. It wasn’t filthy by any measure, just needed some TLC by the way of a mop and bucket, but it wasn’t her place to weigh in.  
  
“Well,” she announced, looking over at Matt, who was hovering uncomfortably, “I’ll get going. It was nice to see you again. I’m looking for an apartment around here now, so maybe we’ll see each other around in future.”  
  
“You’re not going back to Florida?” he asked curiously.  
  
“No,” she shook her head. “Dad and I haven’t been getting along very well recently, so I figured I’d keep out of his way.”  
  
“Oh,” he replied, giving a small nod. “I’m sorry about that.”  
  
Mariana shrugged, “It’s okay. I never made many friends there so I’m not dwelling on it. It’s nice to be back - I always preferred the California summers.” She smiled, “Anyway, I won’t keep you any longer. I’ll see you around, Matt.”  
  
She turned to leave, and suddenly, the last threads of the tug of war rope snapped, sending him crashing into the need for company. “Do you want a coffee?” he blurted quickly, his eyebrows lifting hopefully. “It was kind of you to bring this stuff round, so it’s the least I can do.”  
  
Mariana looked over at him, assessing the authenticity of his request. “I’d love to, as long as I’m not intruding.”  
  
“Of course not,” he assured her, opening a cupboard to retrieve mugs. There were none. He felt the heat rise to his cheeks. “I just need to wash a couple of mugs.”  
  
“I’ll help,” she smiled, twisting her ink black hair onto her head and securing it with a few bobby pins that she seemingly conjured up from nowhere – a skill that only women possessed.  
  
Matt waved her away, “It’s fine. It won’t take two seconds. I’m sorry about the mess, I’m just a little behind on the cleaning.”  
  
“Go on,” she smiled, “We can get the whole lot done in no time between us.” She rolled up her sleeves eagerly, “Throw me a towel. You wash, I’ll dry.”  
  
She’d not left much room for argument, and Matt somehow found himself running the hot water and reaching for the detergent.  
  
It felt strange at first to do something he’d done so frequently with Lizzie with someone else, but as Mariana chattered away about this and that, he found himself distracted from the odd feeling that swirled inside. She spoke about coming home, about the beach and the ocean. She asked whether the diner a few streets away was still open (it was), and whether it still served the best fries in Huntington Beach (it did). She asked about his home; what had made he and Lizzie choose it, had they decorated it, did he spend much time in the beautiful garden? She flitted between subjects with ease, and he found her casual approach of topics, including that of Lizzie, made it easy for him to slip into them with her. Before he knew it, he was plunging the last dirty fork into the suds. Mariana gave him a warm smile as he passed it to her.  
  
“Good teamwork, Sanders,” she winked. “Now, how about those counters?”  
  
Before he could stop her, she’d wrung out a dish cloth and was wiping away the accumulation of crumbs and dust that had gathered. She continued to talk lightly as she did so, not giving him the opportunity to stop her. As she finished up and tossed the cloth back into the sink, she leaned back against the counter, looking completely relaxed.  
  
Matt looked at her oddly. It was confusing to him that he didn’t seem to mind her presence. Perhaps because she’d never known Elizabeth, she didn’t feel the heaviness that he did in the air. His friends all felt it, and any time he’d been brave enough to let any of them into the house, they’d been crushed under its weight. They’d sit hunched over, making awkward attempts to talk about life, carefully making sure to sidestep the topic of Lizzie for fear of upsetting him. It had been uncomfortable enough that he’d avoided it as much as possible, until now.  
  
Mariana tilted her head as he continued to watch her. “You okay?” she asked, to which he nodded. She looked around the kitchen, admiring their handiwork, until her eyes fell upon the coffee maker. “Hey, we never had that coffee,” she remarked, glancing over at him. “Maybe another day though, I’ve taken up enough of your time.”  
  
“No way,” Matt protested, shaking his head firmly. “I definitely need to make it up to you now. Sit,” he instructed, gesturing to a chair.  
  
Mariana moved across the kitchen, but instead of sitting, she grabbed the broom. “Might as well finish the job,” she shrugged when she saw Matt raising an eyebrow. “You get on with the coffee – I’ll be ready for it when I’m done.”  
  
He smiled at her bold instruction and busied himself gathering up a couple of mugs and the cream from the fridge – which was thankfully still in date. As he waited for the coffee to brew, he watched Mariana make light work of sweeping the floor. Once she’d finished, she brushed up the little pile and tipped it into the trash before turning to him with a smile.  
  
He gave her a nod, “Thanks. You didn’t have to do all that.”  
  
“It’s no trouble,” she replied, a twinkle in her eye. “You can repay me with that coffee you’ve been slaving over, and maybe some of those pizza slices,” she grinned, nodding towards one of the many Tupperware boxes that sat atop of his table.  
  
“Knock yourself out,” he laughed, pouring two cups of coffee for them.  
  
The combination of leftover pizza and fresh coffee paired together rather well, and Matt even found himself heartily joining Mariana in scarfing down pizza as she filled him in on Zacky’s disastrous New Year’s Eve choices.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They’d demolished the entire box of cold pizza slices and had just finished their third coffees when Mariana’s phone lit up with a call from her brother.  
  
“Oops,” she laughed, noticing the time. “I was meant to pick up smokes for Zacky on the way home. They probably think I got lost on the way back or something.” She swiped the call away, silencing her phone and gave him an apologetic look, “Sorry for eating all your pizza.”  
  
“It’s cool, there’s enough food here to feed an army,” Matt smirked, standing as she did. He followed her down the hallway to the front door, watching her reach for the handle. “Hey, Mariana?” he asked, before she could yank the door open. She turned to face him with a quizzical expression, her delicate features illuminated softly in the grey daylight. “Thanks for everything today. I don’t find the motivation for much since Lizzie, and it’s good to have a sparkling kitchen again.”  
  
“Any time, Matt,” she answered, giving him a genuine smile.  
  
“Maybe we can hang out soon if you feel like it?”  
  
“Sure,” he returned, “That would be good.”  
  
She opened the door, letting the daylight pour into the hallway and stepped out into the cool January air. She turned and gave him a little wave before skipping down the steps and clicking the lock on a set of car keys. He watched her slide into the driver’s seat and wondered if Zacky knew she’d ‘borrowed’ his car. He found himself smiling as he watched her pull away. It had been nice to let someone in, someone who didn’t feel like another rain cloud in an already dark sky. A little burst of sunshine had lifted his spirits a little (and cleaned his kitchen).  
  
He closed the door as Zach’s car disappeared down the street, and somehow, his house didn’t feel quite as lonely as it had two hours ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find more of my work at www.A7Xfanfic.com under the name RamonaFoREVer


	4. Healing

The ground was sodden, but he knelt anyway. His clothes were already clinging to his body from his walk in the rain, what was a little more wetness? He fumbled in his pocket for the little silver cat ornament he’d brought along, and set it atop of the granite.  
  
“It’s been a while,” he whispered, running his fingers along the curled up cat. “I brought this along for you, I know it was one of your favourites,” he smiled, sitting himself down. He leaned back against the stone, closing his eyes as he rested his head back. Sometimes he tried to imagine he was leaning against her back, the way they used to sit sometimes as she would get lost in a book and he in penning lyrics. Flecks of rain hit his face today though, keeping him locked into the present. He sighed, his fingers running through the blades of grass at his sides, “A whole fucking year. A whole year of loneliness.”  
  
 _Except, that wasn’t completely true, was it?_ His friends had been there when he’d let them in, and he’d even made a new friend in Mariana, but none of that was quite the same as Elizabeth’s company, of course. _That_ was what he’d been missing. Her soft fingertips against his cheek, her sweet, earthy scent of her Jo Malone cologne, her love of houseplants despite the fact that she’d seldom remember to water them. Matt had been so grief stricken when she’d passed that any that had survived her poor standard of care had quickly withered away, just as their owner had.  
  
“I miss you every day,” he announced, opening his eyes. They wandered over the stones that surrounded him, so many of them old and weathered. Lizzie’s stone would be that way one day, so worn that her name would barely be visible. Would the same happen to his memory of her? Would she one day be a blur of a face from the past? _No._ No, she wouldn’t, he decided firmly. “I’ll always miss you, but I’m doing my best to get by, just like you wanted. How the fuck am I supposed to actually live though, Liz? I don’t get it. I tried googling it once – how long it would hurt for. I know, that’s so dumb, right?” He laughed frustratedly. “God, I always fucking moan when I’m here. Perhaps I should change the subject.”  
  
He shuffled round the stone to face her name. Tracing his fingers over the letters, he felt a smile run over his lips.  
“I made a new friend. You’d be proud, you always said I was antisocial,” he teased, raising an eyebrow. “Remember Zach had a sister who lived in Florida? She came home. I haven’t seen her since we were kids, before I even met you.” He dropped his head as his fingers fell from the stone to his side. “We’ve hung out a few times. We usually end up cleaning the house – I’m not sure what that says about my life. She’s really nice, though. You’d have liked her.” He chuckled, “But then, you liked everyone. Always tried to see the good in them. Even that blonde psycho that Jimmy dated. You were so fiercely protective, though. Remember when they had that big argument, and then you called her a trout? A _trout._ ”  
  
He suddenly found himself laughing loudly, uncontrollably, the sound that bellowed from his lungs resonating loudly around the cemetery. It sounded weird to him, almost alien, to hear such a positive noise being produced by his own body so freely.  
  
“Jesus,” he spluttered, running a hand through his soaking hair as he tried to get himself under control. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed like this. It seemed like a distant memory. He was actually having difficulty stifling it. “Now I look insane,” he complained through his snickering.  
  
“Yeah, a little,” came a second voice from behind him.  
  
He jumped at the sudden intrusion on his private moment, whirling around and peeping over the stone. He came face to face with Brian and Heidi, arm in arm, taking shelter under a large umbrella, peering at him with concern. Heidi had a large bouquet of white lilies streaked with deep pink tucked under her other arm – Elizabeth’s favourite.  
  
“Matt!” she scolded, “You’re soaking. You’ll get sick.”  
  
“I’m okay,” he protested weakly, realising just how wet his clothes had become. “I didn’t think to bring an umbrella.”  
  
“Are you okay, bro?” Brian asked, his face still lined with worry.  
  
“I’m fine, honestly,” Matt insisted, sitting up onto his knees. “I was just… talking to Liz. Which is maybe weird actually.”  
  
“It’s not,” Heidi smiled, nudging Brian who was still frowning. “It’s sweet. I was going to have a chat with her too. What were you talking about?”  
  
Matt grinned, the memory nearly setting him off into a bout of laughter again, “That time she called The Psycho a trout.”  
Brian’s face cracked as he guffawed, “She _was_ a trout, though. It was an accurate description.”  
  
Heidi slapped his arm, “Oh, stop it, you two.”  
  
“You have to admit, Hei, it was funny,” Brian insisted, watching the smile developing at the corner of her lips. “And then she stood there opening and closing her mouth, and she actually did look a bit like a trout.”  
  
Heidi giggled. “It was a _little_ funny,” she admitted. She pulled the bouquet out from under her arm and held them out to Matt. “Here, these are for Liz.”  
  
“She’d have loved them,” he smiled, laying them on the grass in front of the grave. “I’d better go home and dry off.”  
  
“Don’t let us interrupt your time with Lizzie. We can come back later,” Brian offered, but Matt shook his head firmly.  
  
“You want a lift?” Heidi asked, looking over his dripping clothes.  
  
“I’m already wet,” Matt shrugged, “I think I’ll survive another fifteen minutes. Thank you, though.”  
  
He gave them a little wave and sauntered away in the rain. They watched him go until he’d disappeared through the cemetery gates.  
  
“You think he was okay?” Brian asked, turning to his wife.  
  
Heidi smiled, looking into his dark eyes, “Actually, he seemed better than he’s seemed in a long while.” She tilted her head in thought, “Don’t you think things have been a little different lately?”  
  
“I guess,” Brian shrugged, giving it some thought. “He actually answered my message the other day. Normally he leaves me on read,” he scowled.  
  
“What a hard life you lead,” Heidi teased. “Now, let’s do what we came to do.”  
  
The pair stood together at Lizzie’s grave, huddling under the umbrella, a quiet sense of gratitude washing over them as they leaned into each other.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Matt closed the door on the drab day, glad to be out of the rain. He climbed the stairs, stripping his wet clothes off and tossing them as he went, not caring where they ended up. As he stepped into the bathroom, he stripped off the last item and set the hot water running in the shower.  
  
He emerged ten minutes later, clean and warm, and towelled himself off. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d so willingly participated in tending to his personal hygiene. As he dressed himself in dry clothes, his phone chimed with a message. He pulled a tee over his head and wandered onto the landing to find it.  
  
It had somehow survived sitting in the sopping wet pocket of his jeans, much to his surprise. He wiped off the screen and hit the lock button. A message from Mariana flashed up, and he eagerly opened it, his curiosity ablaze.  
  
 _Hope you’re okay today. Call me if you want to hang. I thought we could do something for Lizzie if you felt up to it?_  
  
Matt’s eyebrows crinkled with curiosity. He was feeling surprisingly okay as it went, but it seemed poor taste to purposefully spend time with someone else on a day like today. It had been one whole year since Lizzie had taken her last breath; an anniversary of the unwanted variety. He thought of her tumbling waves of fiery red hair which she knotted on top of her head and her beaming smile as she fed him bites of perfect homemade cake. The sound of her laughter, the tone of her delicate voice as she spoke to him. The way her beauty radiated from every pore, even as she had laid in bed, to weak to answer him anymore.  
  
 _Don’t stop living just because I have to._  
  
His fingers hovered over the keyboard on his phone screen as he reread the message over and over. He took a deep breath and felt his heartbeat pound in his ears as he finally tapped out a message.  
  
 _That actually sounds like a good plan. Come on over._  
  
He hit send, an odd feeling of calm settling around him. Doing something for Lizzie seemed like a nice idea. Why shouldn’t he go out and celebrate her memory? What would be the point in staying home and moping? Lizzie wouldn’t have appreciated it, that was for sure.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The doorbell rang out, signalling the arrival of Mariana. Matt opened the door with a smile, to find her on the other side, holding her bag over her head to take shelter from the rain.  
  
“Did you walk?” he asked, taking in the spiked tips of her long jet black hair that she’d not quite managed to cover.  
  
“Zacky keeps his keys stashed away somewhere secret since I drove his car,” she replied sheepishly.  
  
He stepped aside with a chuckle to let her in, “I see.”  
  
“How are you doing today? You seem in good spirits,” she asked, looking him up and down.  
  
“I’m alright,” he nodded. “I went to see Liz this morning and it wasn’t quite as heavy as I was expecting. I’m not sure what that means.”  
  
Mariana gave him a warm smile, “It doesn’t mean anything, Matt. There’s no right or wrong way to get through something like this, right?”  
  
“I guess,” he shrugged. “I just thought that perhaps I should be feeling sadder. I feel kind of guilty for not lying in bed all day and hiding from the world.”  
  
“Give yourself a break,” she replied, playfully nudging him. “You’re showered, you’re ready to go. Do something awesome in her memory. That’s as good an activity as any for today.”  
  
Matt screwed his face up, “What do I do though?” There was no manual for grieving, no handbook for surviving the death of a loved one. There certainly wasn’t an activity sheet for a death anniversary. He looked at Mariana for any suggestions.  
  
“What did Lizzie love?” she asked, raising her eyebrows in encouragement.  
  
“Baking,” Matt answered confidently with a nod. She waited for more, so he looked around hopefully, as though something might just jump out at him. As it so happened, things had been left the way she’d arranged them all that time ago, and so things did jump out at him. The painting on the wall that she’d acquired from a local artist, the bundled collection of scarves hanging near the door that she’d endlessly felt the need to add to, the small, sometimes hideous, ornaments that adorned every surface. Finally his eyes fell on the brown, lifeless leaves situated in a small pot in the corner.  
  
“I know what I want to do,” he smiled, grabbing a hoodie and pulling it over his head. He pulled a second one down and tossed it over to her. “Why don’t women ever wear coats?”  
  
“Because we thrive on stealing them from unsuspecting men,” she quipped, adding a quick “thanks” as she pulled it over her head. It was ridiculously oversized on her petite frame, but she looked rather sweet for it. “Where are we going?”  
  
“Garden centre,” he answered, leading the way out of his front door.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They’d strolled around the aisles of blooms and the jungles of leaves for quite some time when he saw it, and now, nestled between them in the car was a leafy shrub peppered with orange flowers. It had felt like fate when he’d come across the tag; _Busy Lizzie (Impatiens)_  
  
He’d plucked it from the display and turned the pot in his hands, looking at it from all angles. There were a variety of colours, but in the middle of them all had been an eye-catching burnt orange, reminding him so strongly of her hair.  
  
Mariana had appeared at his side and given him a blinding smile. “Perfect,” she’d beamed, cementing his decision to buy them.  
  
She admired the pot between them, running her fingers over the leaves. “So, what should we do now?” she asked, pulling her feet up and crossing her legs as she looked over at him. “You said she loved baking, how about getting cake somewhere?”  
  
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I don’t know,” he paused, looking away. “There’s only one bakery I’d ever go to, and it’s closed now.”  
  
She placed her hand delicately on his arm. Her touch felt so genuine, her big emerald eyes looking up at him with such earnestness as she nodded. He felt the sudden tenseness ease off almost immediately when she didn’t shy away from his emotion.  
  
They’d spent a couple of hours together here and there since New Year's Day, usually when her mom was sending loaded Tupperware over to try and feed him up and she’d stop in for a coffee. Sometimes she’d breeze around with a broom or settle at the sink with the dishes, others they’d just sit at his table and chat about whatever came to their minds at the time. Never once did she back away from the subject of Lizzie when he got upset, instead talking him through his tears with the same light chatter that she always did. It was a refreshing change from people rushing to his side, desperate to stop the uncomfortable display of emotion that they weren’t sure how to deal with.  
  
His hand wandered up of its own accord, coming to rest over hers. He caught the nervous flutter of her lashes as their skin touched and his breath caught in his throat. He pulled his hand away sharply, snapping his palms onto the steering wheel as she went back to fiddling with the leaves on the plant between them.  
  
“I know where to go,” he announced, breaking the charged atmosphere between them.  
  
She recovered almost instantly and gave him a dazzling smile, “Lead the way, Sanders.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Matt pulled in, parking at the kerbside. Mariana peeked out of the window and raised her eyebrows in delight.  
  
“Ice cream?” she grinned. “I could go for ice cream. I’m fancying cookies n’ cream.”  
  
He laughed, “I’m a birthday cake kind of guy myself.”  
  
They stepped out of the car and strolled into the parlour together, Mariana leading the way. As he fell into step behind her, he found himself revisiting the sparked touch between them, wondering why it had stirred something within him.  
As they approached the counter, she turned and flashed him a beaming smile, and he found himself beaming back.  
  
“I’ve been back in Huntington for, what, two months now?” she said, looking back at him, “And I still haven’t been here yet.”  
  
“Seriously?” he asked, tilting his head. “Lizzie used to make me come here all the time.”  
  
They paused to order a tub each, Mariana also indulging in every topping available.  
  
“What was her favourite?” she asked as they watched their frozen treats being scooped into little purple tubs.  
  
Matt smiled, knowing the answer without even having think, “Moose Tracks.”  
  
“Oh yeah,” Mariana nodded eagerly, “That’s a good choice.”  
  
With each of them now clutching a tub of ice cream, Matt led them over to a table in the large window. They slipped their hoodies off and took their seats. They sat opposite each other, each digging into their dessert with enthusiasm.  
  
“Lizzie always chose this window seat,” Matt smiled, watching Mariana scoop a spoonful of ice cream from her tub. The toppings were escaping at every opportunity, and the table was quickly becoming littered with sprinkles, chopped nuts and chocolate chips as she lifted the spoon to her lips. Matt turned his attention to the street outside. “She liked to people watch,” he continued, enjoying the scene playing out in his mind as he remembered the redhead pointing people out with her spoon and make up outrageous stories about them.  
  
“It sounds like a good combination of activities,” Mariana offered, giving him a nod. “Eating ice cream and people watching.” She joined him in staring out of the window at the people passing by. They continued their daily lives, completely unaware that there were two strangers who were gawping out at them.  
  
“I haven’t been here since…” he trailed off, though she knew exactly what he meant. He looked over at her, coming face to face with her green eyes staring over at him. Her dark lashes framed the shades of emerald perfectly as she smiled and set down her spoon.  
  
“A big moment then, right?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.  
  
He nodded. “For sure,” he answered slowly, dropping his own spoon down to his tub. He rotated the tub in his hands, suddenly losing his appetite. The ice cream turned in his stomach, leaving him with a nagging nausea. He tried to swallow the feeling away, but it stayed fast, making his heart race uncomfortably. _What was he doing here?_  
  
“Are you okay?” Mariana asked, looking over at him with concern. “You’ve gone pale.”  
  
Without a word to her, he stood abruptly and staggered out of the shop, his breathing ragged. She jumped to her feet, tailing him out to the alley that ran to the side of the building.  
  
“Matt,” she called, coming to a halt at his side.  
  
He bent over, his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. He could feel the barbed teeth of anxiety snapping at him as his skin prickled uncomfortably with sweat. Mariana crouched down in front of him and looked up into his eyes.  
  
“Hey,” she pressed, reaching her hands up to his shoulders, “look at me. You’re okay, you’re okay.” She squeezed his shoulders gently, trying to get him to focus on her. “You’re safe,” she reminded him softly, “it’s just a feeling and it will pass. Slow breaths.”  
  
He tried to match her breathing, as she spoke softly, keeping his mind on the present. He felt the tears prick at his eyes as his legs trembled beneath him. Giving in to the weakness, he let his knees give way until he was kneeling on the floor, level with Mariana. She kept her hands on his shoulders, giving him soft spoken words of encouragement as he levelled out his breathing. He was embarrassed to find that his eyes were leaking tears profusely, but Mariana didn’t seem to mind. Instead she fell quiet as he got himself under control and looked up at her through his brimming hazel eyes.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he uttered, wiping at his eyes ashamedly. “I don’t know what happened.”  
  
“Don’t apologise,” she insisted, “nothing happened.”  
  
“I’m a fucking mess.”  
  
“You’re _human_ ,” she argued, giving him a gentle shake, “and there’s nothing wrong with feeling this way.”  
  
He shook his head. “I’m confused about everything,” he replied, searching her emeralds for something, though he wasn’t sure what. He sighed deeply, “What the fuck are we doing down here on the floor?”  
  
“I’m not sure,” she answered, looking amused.  
  
He wrapped his fingers around her arms and lifted her with him as he stood. She swayed a little on her feet as she regained her balance, her fingers tightening on his shoulders as she steadied herself. He felt his heart flutter at her touch.  
  
“Sorry,” she apologised quickly, pulling her hands away from him awkwardly. She gazed up into his eyes to find him looking at her with an odd expression on his face. “Are you okay?”  
  
He pressed his lips together as he looked at the raven haired woman in front of him who still had a look of mild amusement on her face. “Do you think I’ll ever love anyone again? Do you think anyone will ever love _me_ again?”  
  
Her smile faded, but she didn’t even hesitate as she answered, “Of course they will.” She paused for a moment before giving him a strange look, “They’re already out there, dude. And you’ll find them, when the time is right.”  
  
“When will that be?” he pressed. “Years? Decades?”  
  
“Jesus, Matt,” Mariana laughed, shaking her head. “It’ll be whenever you’re ready. It could be in a decade, it could be tomorrow,” she shrugged.  
  
He took a little step back from her, suddenly becoming aware of their close proximity. It was still raining outside, though neither of them had paid much attention as he’d rushed out and she’d followed, and they were both now looking bedraggled. As her hair gave into its natural wave and her clothes clung to her slim figure, she looked quite beautiful. _Could it be today?_  
  
He shook the thought away, guiltily thinking of Lizzie’s smiling face as he turned his attention back to the ice cream parlour that they’d fled so hastily. “We should go back in,” he remarked, running a hand through his wet chestnut locks.  
  
“Our ice cream’s probably melted by now,” Mariana replied, raising an eyebrow, but she led the way anyway.  
  
Matt followed behind, wrapped up in his very conflicted thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can more of my work at www.A7Xfanfic.com under the name RamonaFoREVer


	5. Hope

When Brian’s phone chimed out with a text message, it was one he’d not expected in the slightest.  
  
“C’mere,” he said to his wife, who was busy stirring a pot on the cooker top.  
  
“What is it?”  
  
He held out the phone for her to inspect and she let out a quiet hum of interest.  
  
 _Hey, thought I’d visit today. M._  
  
“You seeing this shit?” Brian questioned her impatiently, waving the phone at her when she didn’t react in the desired manner.  
  
She shrugged far too casually for his liking, “I see it. He wants to come and visit.”  
  
“That’s not normal!” Brian protested. “Normally we have to drag him out!”  
  
Heidi couldn’t help but crack a smile at her husband’s flapping. “Maybe he’s feeling a little better,” she suggested, turning her attention back to the pot on the cooker. “Tell him to come over. There’s tons of food. He can help us out with it.”  
  
“But I didn’t have to ask him,” Brian pressed, raising his eyebrows to try and get his point across.  
  
She set down the spoon and turned to him. “Brian,” she laughed at him, “that’s a _good_ thing. He’s getting back to normal. Don’t you think it’s nice that he’s asking?”  
  
“Well, yeah, but-”  
  
“But nothing. Let him be happy,” she interrupted him. “Obviously his newfound friendship is helping things along.”  
  
“What?” Brian asked, gawping at her. “What are you talking about?”  
  
“This thing with Mariana,” Heidi replied coolly, picking up her spoon again.  
  
“What thing?” He persisted, waiting for his wife to look at him again. When she didn’t he nagged, “Heidi, what thing?”  
  
“Brian,” she laughed in disbelief, shaking her head. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed them spending time together lately.”  
  
“Of course I have,” he scoffed uncertainly, because he hadn’t, “but they’re not actually doing anything are they? He hasn’t said anything. He would have said, right? Heidi? He would have said?”  
  
“You’re asking a lot of questions today,” she teased, raising an eyebrow. “Maybe it’s nothing, _or_ maybe it is something but he’s not realised.”  
  
Brian took a deep breath as if to argue, but chose instead to fall silent, much to his wife’s relief.  
  
“Now,” Heidi addressed him, “are you going to invite him or what? Then maybe you can ask him instead of me.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Matt pressed the doorbell, the respective chime ring out from the confines of the house. Hearing the flurry of activity as someone approached the door, his nerves tingled. There was a click as the lock opened and the door swung open to reveal Heidi’s smiling face.  
  
“Matt!” she exclaimed, stepping aside to let him in. “How are you? It’s so good to see you.”  
  
“I’m okay,” he smiled back with a nod as she shut the door behind him.  
  
She urged him forwards down the hallway, “Go on through, Brian’s in the lounge.”  
  
He complied, making his way to the lounge. He’d not been at The Haner’s since the Christmas party, and despite the decorations having been taken down and stored away, it felt welcoming as always. The scent of Heidi’s delicious cooking drifted around lazily, filling his nostrils and making his mouth water.  
  
“Smells good, Hei,” he remarked to her as he passed through the kitchen.  
  
She beamed, “You’re welcome to join us, Matt. There’s more than enough and we’d love to have you.”  
  
He paused for a moment, looking around the room. So many times he’d sat at this table with Lizzie by his side; it had been painful to think of before, but today felt different. Today he looked around with fondness.  
  
“I think I might take you up on that,” he answered, giving her a grateful smile. He moved on through to the lounge, leaving Heidi in the kitchen attending to lunch.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“Hey bro,” Brian greeted him from the sofa without looking up. He was aimlessly flicking through channels on the TV, looking unimpressed. “What’s up?”  
  
“Not much, man,” Mat answered, settling himself on the other side of the sofa to his friend. “Hey, put Cops on.”  
  
Brian found himself laughing at his request, “But we haven’t got beers, dude.”  
  
Heidi appeared right on cue, cold beers in hand. “Now you have. I heard you mention Cops,” she teased, raising an eyebrow as she held them out to the men.  
  
Brian watched her disappear back into the kitchen, a satisfied smile plastered across his face. “I’m the luckiest fucker on earth to be married to her,” he informed Matt, raising his beer.  
  
“You found a good one,” Matt agreed, tapping their bottles together.  
  
“So,” Brian began casually, hiding his swirling impatience well, “to what do we owe the pleasure? And Cops too? It’s like the good old days.”  
  
“Just felt like hanging out,” Matt shrugged, not entirely sure himself what had possessed him to pick up his phone and send the request.  
  
Brian nodded, taking a sip of his beer and turning towards the TV, “Well, I’m glad you did. It’s good to have you- OH!”  
  
Both men leaned forwards, mouths agape at the car wreck that had just occurred on the screen.  
  
“He ate shit,” Brian laughed, enthusiastically tipping his beer back. He caught himself grinning widely, and looked over at his friend who was watching the arrest on TV with a horrified smile on his face. It had been a long time since they’d done this, _too long_.  
  
About ten minutes into the show, Brian could bear it no longer as his curiosity got the best of him. He turned his attention away from the drama on screen and addressed Matt plainly, “Dude, what’s going on?”  
  
“Huh?” Matt asked, taken aback by the sudden inquisition. “What do you mean?”  
  
Brian shuffled awkwardly, “Well, the other day you were laughing, and now we’re watching Cops?”  
  
“Yeah,” Matt said slowly, unsure of where Brian’s odd line of question was going. He looked over at his friend, amused at his bizarre phrasing.  
  
“Well?” Brian prodded, “Is something going on?”  
  
Matt frowned, still amused at his friend’s strange interrogation. “I don’t know what you mean, Bri. I’m just… I feel okay so I’m doing stuff?”  
  
“Yes,” Brian continued impatiently, “but with… you know, _Mariana_.” He lowered his voice so much that Matt barely heard him.  
  
“What?” he asked, silently cursing as he felt his cheeks flush. “What do you mean with Mariana? What’s that got to do with Cops?”  
  
“Well, we haven’t watched Cops in ages,” Brian answered, like the connection was obvious. Seeing Matt raise his eyebrows in request for more information, Brian sighed and relented. “Heidi said this morning that she thought something was going on between you and Mariana and _I_ said you’d tell us if there was but then Heidi said that maybe you hadn’t thought about it but when I think about, you _are_ kind of different because you want to watch Cops.”  
  
“Okay, first,” Matt addressed him, raising an eyebrow, “there’s nothing weird about wanting to watch Cops like we always used to do. Second, what are you talking about something going on with me and Mariana? We’re just friends.”  
  
“Are you?” Heidi asked, conveniently appearing to join the conversation as the interesting part started.  
  
“Yes,” Matt replied with certainty, but Heidi’s stare was burning into him, making him second guess himself. “Or at least, I think we are.”  
  
“Aha!” she exclaimed triumphantly, “so something _might_ be going on!”  
  
“What, just because we hang out sometimes?” he countered, stumbling over his words a little. He rubbed his palms (which had suddenly become kind of sweaty) on his jeans, and took a nervous swig of his beer.  
  
“Yeah,” Brian answered simply, staring at Matt with heavy expectations.  
  
Matt looked between the two of them and rubbed the back of his neck. “I hadn’t thought about it,” he admitted slowly.  
  
Heidi realised that she and Brian were gawping at the man who they’d just caused an identity crisis in in less than 10 seconds, so she reined herself back in. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” she said, nudging Brian as she brushed the conversation off. “We’re just happy that you seem happy, Matt.”  
  
“Right,” he nodded, dissecting the conversation in his mind.  
  
Brian, never one to brood over issues, was already shouting at the TV and encouraging him to join in. Matt turned his attention back to the TV and did his best to make all the right noises but his mind was elsewhere, distracted by the notion that all might not be as it had seemed with him and Mariana…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Dinner with The Haners was always a memorable event, mostly because Heidi pulled out every stop, even if she was making something as simple as a Kraft box of macaroni. Today was no exception, though macaroni was not on the menu. As the men sat at the table, Heidi set down a large beef casserole, complete with dumplings. Brian dug in eagerly before she’d even had the chance to bring the sides to the table.  
  
“Brian,” she scolded, “did you not think to let our guest go first?”  
  
“It’s only Matt,” he shrugged, spooning an extra few dumplings onto his plate as Matt laughed. “That,” he suddenly exclaimed, “is exactly what we’re talking about.”  
  
Matt stared at him, “What?”  
  
“You!” Brian insisted, pointing the spoon at him. “You’re laughing!”  
  
“Oh my god, Brian, leave him be,” Heidi chided, slapping at his hand. “The man is allowed to laugh.”  
  
Brian hummed in reply, and though his curiosity was clearly unappeased, the sides of roasted veg took priority over his interest. A silence fell over them as they finished dishing up and tucked into Heidi’s delicious meal, one that Matt was quick to break.  
  
“Do you really think something is going on?” he asked, the question now gnawing away at him.  
  
Heidi put down her wine and smiled at him, “Only you know that. What do you think?”  
  
Matt looked down at his plate, pushing the food around with his fork. “I think it would be wrong of me,” he said slowly, his eyebrows creasing together with the anticipation of guilt. “I think it would be disrespectful to Lizzie.”  
  
Heidi and Brian looked at each other knowingly from across the table. Brian set his knife and fork down and turned to his friend.  
  
“You know,” he began, thoughtfully, “loving Lizzie and loving someone else as well is allowed.”  
  
“Whoa,” Matt cut in, “we don’t need to start throwing the ‘L’ word around.”  
  
“No, no,” Brian argued hastily, “I’m not suggesting that. I’m just,” he paused, looking up at the ceiling, as though the words might be up there. “I mean, Lizzie meant a lot to you and she always will, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for a little more,” he answered carefully, quickly adding, “When the time’s right, of course.”  
  
“And Lizzie wanted you to be happy,” Heidi added, smiling over at him. “She even told Brian-”  
  
“Heidi,” Brian warned, kicking her under the table, but Matt had been listening closely and frowned.  
  
“What? What did she tell Brian?” he asked impatiently, giving Heidi and imploring look.  
  
Brian shook his head, “It was nothing, man.”  
  
“No,” Matt protested, “tell me.”  
  
Brian sent Heidi a pointed look as she mouthed _’sorry’_ at him, before turning his attention to Matt. “Okay, so, remember when Lizzie was in hospital at the end, maybe like two weeks before?” He waited for Matt to nod before continuing, “And you’d been there the whole time, so I came in and sent you home to get some rest?” Matt nodded again and Brian sighed, “Well, she woke up and saw me there, and she wanted to talk.”  
  
“And?” Matt pressed, practically hanging off the edge of his seat. “What did she say?”  
  
“She asked me to look after you,” Brian replied quietly, a sadness billowing across his dark eyes. “She asked me to make sure you washed and ate and slept for as long as you needed reminding to, She asked me to keep an eye on you, and she told me that in no uncertain terms were you allowed to make yourself unhappy.”  
  
“How could I not be unhappy?” Matt scoffed, feeling a little slighted that Lizzie had made such a ridiculous request.  
  
Brian shook his head, “No, Matt. She meant that she didn’t want you forcing yourself to love her forever and be miserable over her for the rest of your life. She said that if you found something that made you happy, that I had to make sure you chased it and embraced it, instead of hiding from it because you were worried about her.”  
  
“Right,” Matt answered slowly, swirling a dumpling around and around in the sauce on his plate, though he had no intention of eating it.  
  
“Perhaps the most important thing she said,” Brian continued nervously, “was that she wanted you to fall in love again if you met the right person.”  
  
Matt frowned, “That’s easy for her to say. She didn’t have to worry about any of this confusing shit because she didn’t have to stick around for it.”  
  
“No one’s saying you have to fall in love right here and now,” Heidi interjected quickly, seeing Matt’s sullen face. “All any of us wanted, Lizzie included, is for you to find happiness again, whatever form it comes in.” She smiled, “Matt, I think you owe it to yourself, and to Lizzie, to see where things go with Mariana, if you feel it might go somewhere.”  
  
“And what would I say?” Matt countered, raising an eyebrow skeptically. “ _Oh hey, Mariana. My dead girlfriend said I should try dating you._ ”  
  
“If you actually wanted to go down that route, then a kiss would probably do the trick,” Heidi laughed, though she quickly stopped herself when she saw Matt’s face.  
  
“Hey,” he burst out, his anxiety overflowing at the idea. He shook his head in a panicked manner, “No one is kissing anyone. I don’t even know why we’re discussing this because _nothing_ is going on. And definitely no kissing is going on.”  
  
Brian cut in to Matt’s garbled tirade. “Okay, okay. Let’s talk about something else,” he suggested.  
  
Matt opened his mouth, but no words came. He wanted to protest, to insist that he’d never love anyone else ever again, that it was wrong and too soon and whatever other reasons he could come up with to not acknowledge the growing curiosity in the back of his mind, but he stayed silent, his mouth refusing to cooperate.  
  
“You okay, dude?” Brian asked, staring at the open mouthed man beside him.  
  
Matt quickly snapped his jaw shut, and nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine.”  
  
In reality, Brian and Heidi had unintentionally stirred up a chaotic swirl of emotion within him that he couldn’t quieten down.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“Thanks again for dinner, guys,” Matt called, zipping his hoodie up and giving the couple a nod. They were stood in the doorway, both smiling warmly as they waved him off.  
  
“Come again,” Heidi insisted, “any time you like.”  
  
“Sure thing,” Matt replied, giving them a last wave as he stepped out into the dark.  
  
After dinner, they’d moved into the lounge where they’d chatted over beer (or wine in Heidi’s case). Brian and Heidi had managed to refrain from discussing the topic of Mariana, but they answered Matt more readily when he asked questions about Lizzie.  
  
The revelation of Elizabeth’s request that he be happy, and possibly even love someone else, had rattled his nerves, and he’d wanted to know everything he possibly could about her conversation with Brian. Of course, he’d had similar conversations with her before she’d died, but it wasn’t the same as the secretive whispers she’d shared with Brian. There was something so sincere about a request that she thought he’d never hear of.  
  
He was supposed to be walking home, but his feet seemed to find themselves on a different course, no doubt influenced by the few beers he’d consumed. He barely registered that he was going in the wrong direction until he was on Zacky’s street and almost at his door with his hand raised to knock. All of a sudden, his liquid courage seemed to desert him and he found himself frozen, fist in mid-air. The thought of seeing her pulled him in a thousand different directions, leaving him feeling stretched thin and fraying at the seams. What was he doing at this door? Why had he come to see her instead of going home?  
  
“Matt?”  
  
He spun around at the sound of his name and came face to face with the very person who’d sent him into a frenzy in the first place.  
  
 _Mariana._  
  
She stood before him decked out in sports gear, her hair twisted on top of her head and her cheeks pink as she panted. The sheen of sweat over her body only served to illuminate her with ethereal beauty under the streetlamps. The sight made him shiver with a desire to act on Heidi’s earlier suggestion.  
  
“What are you doing here?” she asked, frowning in confusion. “Is everything okay?”  
  
“Everything’s fine,” he stuttered, leaning back against the door. “I was walking home and-”  
  
“You took a wrong turn?” Mariana grinned, raising an eyebrow.  
  
He laughed, realising he didn’t have a good argument. “Something like that, I guess.”  
  
She approached him with such ease, though of course, she didn’t know about or share his current inner turmoil. “You want to come in for coffee or something? You can tell me what you’re doing on the doorstep,” she smirked, producing her key to unlock the door. “Unless you’re looking for Zacky, in which case you need to walk yourself to Johnny’s. Him and Jimmy are out for drinks, which we both know means something more along the lines of looking for poor, unsuspecting women to bed.”  
  
“Right,” he chuckled nervously as she stepped closer. She looked truly beautiful at that moment, and she was right next to him… within kissing distance.  
  
She reached over his shoulder to unlock the door, completely unaware of the effect her close proximity was having on him as she nattered away, “Honestly, when did my brother become such a gross douchebag? I actually heard him use the word ‘pussy’ seriously the other day-”  
  
“Stop talking,” he interrupted, laughing lightly. He took a deep breath, letting the alcohol and the stars overhead and the warmth emanating from her skin intoxicate him in a way he’d thought would never happen again. “I just need to…” he trailed off, frowning a little. He swallowed and tried again. “I just need to try something.”  
  
And without hesitation, before she could question it, he pressed his lips into hers. There was a heart fluttering excitement in impulsively kissing someone new, and she didn’t seem to protest his advances either. He realised almost immediately what he’d found himself doing and pulled back, feeling slightly awkward. Mariana was stood blinking at him, her lips still slightly parted in shock.  
  
“Where did that come from?” she breathed, once she’d recovered.  
  
“I don’t know,” he admitted, the corners of his lips twitching into a nervous smile. He suddenly felt like he was standing under a spotlight, illuminated and vulnerable. “I think I might be having a midlife crisis.”  
  
She laughed out loud, the sound easing the tension between them. Matt’s nervous smile grew into a grin and he found himself laughing too. Once they'd regained control of themselves, he looked over at her curiously. Her eyes seemed to be almost sparkling, offset by the sweet pink flush of her cheeks. As she looked up to meet his gaze, he could see a spark of something lingering in her eyes.  
  
He ran a hand through his locks nervously, “I’m sorry-”  
  
“No,” she cut him off, “don’t apologise. I… It…”  
  
“Was it bad?” he asked, not waiting for an answer. “I don’t know why I did it, I-”  
  
“It wasn’t bad,” she choked out in shock, almost laughing. “It was just a surprise.”  
  
His worried mind slowed enough to let him digest her words.  
“Yeah,” he nodded, “for me too.”  
  
They stood, still on the doorstep, taking each other in. Though neither wanted to admit it, there was something different about them now. There was a magnetic pull between them, though neither was sure whether the other wanted to act on it. Mariana watched intently as a thousand expressions flickered over Matt’s face. She waited for the roulette wheel of emotions to slow so he could settle on a feeling, but he landed on something she couldn’t possibly decipher without his input.  
  
“Are you okay?” she asked, holding her breath as she waited for his answer.  
  
“Was it weird for you?” he fired a question back at her, ignoring the one she’d posed him.  
  
She paused, considering it. “Was it for you?” she asked, unsure of how she was supposed to feel, of how he _wanted_ her to feel.  
  
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “There’s a lot going on in my head right now.”  
  
“That’s understandable,” she shrugged.  
  
Not for one second did she look offended, or even ruffled by what he’d thrown at her. She finally pulled her key from the lock, stepping away from him just a fraction, and in that moment he found himself wanting her to come back in close again, to share the same physical space as her once more. Was this what it felt like to enjoy someone’s company again?  
  
It was not the same feeling that he’d had when he’d first met Elizabeth, not to say that it had less of an impact, just that there was a different aura surrounding it. Deep down inside, beneath the debris of his grief and mourning, something flickered; a faint spark that he dared not look at too closely. What if it caught alight? Would it grow and blossom? Would Lizzie remain buried in the rubble beneath? Perhaps she was meant to remain buried in the rubble beneath. Was this Elizabeth breathing life into his feelings again from afar, stepping back to allow him to nurture something new? The anticipation of beginnings danced along his nerves and he found himself taking a deep breath.  
  
“I think I might like you.”  
  
She blinked at him nervously, before joking, “Well, I should hope so. We’ve been hanging out long enough that you should have figured that one out.”  
  
“No, Mariana,” he sighed, “I mean-”  
  
“I know what you meant,” she said quickly, cutting him off. She fidgeted a little before looking up into his deep, hazel eyes. “If you’re about to ask me if I want to stand by your side for the next chapter of your life, then I will, and I would a million times over.”  
  
“Really? Even though I might… also love someone else?” he asked, casting his eyes away.  
  
“Especially because you love someone else,” she insisted earnestly. “I’ve seen how big your heart is, Matt. If you love me with even a fraction of the love you have for Lizzie, then I’d consider myself lucky.”  
  
Her emerald eyes bathed him with such sincerity that his heart burst into an anxious eruption of fireworks, whooshing and corkscrewing throughout his being.  
  
He swallowed his jittering nerves back down to the pit of his stomach, “So, does that mean you’d like to see where this goes?”  
  
Mariana gave him a shy smile, “I’d like very much to see where this goes.”  
  
“Me too,” he nodded, mirroring her growing happiness. “Can I try that kiss again?”  
  
“You can definitely try that kiss again,” she laughed, boldly closing the distance between them.  
  
Feeling an odd weight lift from his shoulders, Matt dipped his head down and let his lips meet hers, to the start of forever after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this story, you can find more of my work at www.A7Xfanfic.com under the name RamonaFoREVer

**Author's Note:**

> You can find more of my work at www.A7Xfanfic.com under the name RamonaFoREVer


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